What Was & What Is
by trunks111
Summary: Sequel to the alternate ending of What Is & Could Be. Obito survived and was institutionalized. He's being let out, on a few conditions of course. Will he finally have moved passed his want of death? Can he live? Does Kakashi still care? Can Kakashi even save him? What happened to Kakashi? He was, afterall, the one who had found Obito after. KakashiObito. Shonen-ai.
1. Thoughts

Obito sat, staring hard at the blank piece of paper in front of him. Contemplating what to write this time. He had been staring at the paper for over an hour. Finally, it came to him. Picking up his pencil, he began to write.

'Four years ago,  
My pitiful life took a turn.  
Unexpected, unprecedented, and unbelievable.  
It wasn't supposed to go as it did.  
I am not supposed to be alive any longer,  
However, the gods decided to torment me further.  
I live, if you can call this such.  
Tomorrow, they release me,  
to University where I will still have one mandatory session a week...  
I agreed, if only because I need to get out.  
Four years ago,  
There was a boy who saved me.  
He sent me letters for the first few months...,  
I kept all of them but never replied...  
I was so bitter for what he had done to me.  
I still am.  
But the words I wrote in my note to him,  
They hold true still.  
Maybe,  
He's still out there, waiting for me.  
But could he love me?  
This scarred, broken shell?  
Does he even remember me?  
Do I want him to?'

With a grunt he closed the notebook. An orderly had knocked on the door.

"Meds time." the cheerful man said, handing Obito a small paper cup and a bigger plastic one filled with water. He accepted both, downing them, and handing them back. He opened his mouth, lifted his tongue, and all to prove he had truly swallowed his pills.

The orderly thanked him and left. Obito sat back down. Everything he needed was packed. He would be moving out tomorrow and into his new dorm room, with a roommate. No one, except select staff of the University knew of his history. Of course, there was the matter of his scars. The one on his neck being the most blatant. The skin was much paler, raised slightly, and a jagged line across his throat. His arm had multiple horizontal scars as well. He was not permitted to hide his scars here, everyone had different scars, whether they were visible or not.

He wasn't known for his talking since that day he had woken to Kakashi. It was as if he had gone mute. However..., his writing always did his speaking for him. The shrinks would ask him a question and he would offer a cold, hard stare. Even when he was younger. He just guestered to his notebook, at first, they wouldn't give it to him. But as he said nothing, eventually they were forced to give in. He made progress, his writing expressing his feelings. They hoped his being mute would eventually cease, but it had not in the years he had been there.

He put on a very good show for them. Let them think he was better. He wasn't though. If someone took the time to look deep into his goggled eyes, they would see the death that haunted them. The darkness. The pain. The emptiness. He could play the game well, anyone could. He still wanted death, even after being denied so many times. It was all he had ever wanted. He knew this University buisiness would prove challenging, but all he was looking for was that one chance, to take that step that had been denied him.

But did he really? What about Kakashi? If they met again, would he even want to speak to him?  
And if Kakashi didn't care, if he wanted Obito still - as anything, would he be able to stay for him? Would he truly even want to?

Questions Obito couldn't answer. He wanted Kakashi..., he wanted to know him at least. And maybe, just maybe knowing him..., he would be able to stay. If he stayed on his meds..., went to classes, his therapy, and did everything as he was supposed to..., maybe.  
Although..., life had never appealed to him. Any aspect of it. It was all so boring... The same things every day, no variation, no heart-pounding adventures.

He laid in his bed, arms folded behind his head, gazing up at the ceiling. He was going to be out of this place, as he had dreamed for so long. He was going to leave. He would be on his own, mostly. Free to do as he pleased.

He rolled over, barely reaching and grabbing the notebook from the desk. He opened to a new page and began writing again.

'A life unwanted.  
A future uncertain.  
Hanging by a thread,  
Weighed down by darkness,  
Unable to see clearly.  
Walking blindly into the unknown,  
Flight or fail,  
It cannot be stopped now.  
Only time will tell what will become of me now.'

He mulled over his words, it all made sense, fit perfectly together. That didn't mean he liked it.

As his mind so often did, it drifted back, back to when he was fourteen, back to when he knew Kakashi Hatake.  
Sitting in that bed in that room, with no one but Kakashi as company. Kakashi tried to talk to him, but Obito only stared at the bed. Kakashi visited him every day he stayed at the hospital, even though Obito never said a word. He would tell Obito of school, the weather, anything and everything. Still, Obito said nothing. And then the day came that was to be sent to the institution. Still, Obito had been silent. They had to pry his notebook from his hands. And even as he sat there, that first day, his lifeless eyes not shaking the head shrink. He said not a word, leaving the shrink to stare at him, though they asked questions, none of which he was keen to answer.  
Then, letters from Kakashi arrived, He was permitted to read them and reply, if he spoke during his sessions. He did not speak. They gave him his notebook. And he wrote. So they released the letters, but he never responded to them. He never hated Kakashi. He resented him for what he had done. But still..., deep down, he knew, in his heart, he knew he loved Kakashi and that was why he had saved him. But even knowing that, it did not make the darkness ease. He still felt trapped, he still wanted death. Nothing..., nothing had changed.


	2. Meeting

In the morning, he dressed in plaid, orange and black, the long sleeves covering his scars and the too big garmet, hanging off his skinny frame. Black skinny jeans covered his legs, and his orange goggles were over his eyes. With his hair messily spiked, he put his messenger bag on and grabbed his one box that contained what was left of his life. The van was waiting for him. He left the building, his face stoic.  
On the ride, one of the shrinks had accompanied them, so thye were trying to ask him questions about how he felt to be going, to finally have left. He answered , as usual, with a hard stare.

He waited while the shrink did the last minute things before he could get his room and for the most part, be on his own.

Given his room key, Obito left the shrink there, walking to his new room. He found it and opened the door, revealing a simple room with two beds, a dressser, two nightstands, a closet, and a connected bathroom.  
He wondered if his roommate would know about his history.  
Probably not. One bed was already taken and few belongings were strewn about.

He unpacked his few things and adorned the bed with black sheets. Finished, he laid upon it and gazed at the ceiling. He briefly wondered who his roommate would be, but shrugged his shoulders, it didn't matter.  
A walk about the grounds should do some good. He looked at the paper with his few classes for the semester, psyche, writing, and a basic math. He took the map with him.

He saw few people on his walk, finding all of his classes and locating the fitness center. He walked around it, inspecting the various equipment and free weights. He even found their pull-up bars. He attempted one and could only get halfway. He glared up at it, he had lost his muscle. It was back to the beginning then. He stepped up with slight difficulty, and hung there for as long as he could, which sadly, wasn't long anymore.

He would come back when he was dressed properly. He found his way to the cafeteria which was mostly empty.

He only wondered what the next days would bring, silently walking back to his dorm room. It was still empty.  
Laying upon his stomach, he grabbed his notebook from beside the bed. He flipped to a new page and began to write.

'A new place.  
The same feelings.  
A want of death.  
An unsurity.  
A question unanswered.  
Staring into the future,  
I can only ask,  
Will I make it?'

He vaguely remembered hearing someone come in. He looked over and there he was.  
Kakashi Hatake.  
Tall, slender, masked, silver hair defying gravity. His back was to Obito. He was dressed in dark blue skinny jeans and a dark gray shirt.

"So..., they made you my roommate."

Obito said nothing, not that he would speak anyway, even to Kakashi.

He turned around.  
His eyes, they were colder than Obito remembered.

"They made you my roommate." He repeated himself, staring at Obito hard.

Obito said nothing, gazing back at him.

Kakashi strode over, and picked Obito up by the front of his shirt, holding him off the bed and above the ground.  
They stared at each other wordlessly, Kakashi seething with anger and Obito appearing emotionless.

"Do you know how many times I laid awake, thinking, wondering what had happened to you?"

"You were the closest thing I had to a friend!"  
Obito stared at him, fighting back the tears he knew were coming.

"Why did you never write back? Couldn't you tell how much I cared about you? Those words in your letter to me..., that was when I realized I had someone, something! And then, you wouldn't say a single word to me! You wouldn't even write to me!"

Tears silently flowed from his eyes as Obito gazed at Kakashi, as he felt his anger, as he realized how much he really did still care for him.

"Say something!" Kakashi growled, giving Obito a shake.  
Obito only stared back at him.

"A...are you mute?" Kakashi asked, somewhat shocked, and less angry.

Obito nodded.  
"How much of it is voluntary?"  
Obito shrugged.

Kakashi dropped him and walked to his own bed, running his fingers through his hair.  
"Then communicate with me in whatever medium you can."

With a sadness weighing over his heart, Obito picked up his notebook and wrote something, something for Kakashi.

'You saved me,  
And I saved you.  
Neither of us knew how much we needed it.  
I think you needed saving more than I did,  
You wanted it at least.  
I left you with so much anger...,  
I was filled with so much bitterness.  
I was given tools to cope, and you were left alone.  
The one person who ever cared, and I did that to you...  
I wrote the truth, I always do.  
For so long,  
I hated you,  
What you'd done...  
Even then, my feelings, my real feelings  
Never changed.  
You were my light in the dark,  
An unlikely, beautiful light.  
Even now,  
I'm afraid of what you could mean when my own mind is the enemy.  
I saw then, what we could be,  
It scared me then and it does now.  
I couldask you dozens of questions but I don't think you know their answers any more than I.  
You saved a life not worth saving,  
A life I would have gladly thrown away.  
And I am still a prisioner.  
My feelings remain unchanged.'

Obito ripped the page out and held it out to Kakashi. He took it after a moment.  
Silence echoed as Kakashi read Obito's words.

Kakashi finished reading it and the paper hung limply from his hands. The silver-haired male stared across the room at his black-haired former friend. Abruptly, he stood and left, taking the paper with him. Obito sat there, drawing his knees to his chest, and he stared at the carpet. He was so unsure of what to do. Torn between wants and what he knew. It was only his first day out. If he fucked up now..., they would throw him back in and likely not let him out for a long time.  
He sat there unmoving for hours. Torn between what he wanted to do and what he knew he should. He felll asleep before Kakashi returned.


	3. Unchanged

In the morning, Kakashi still was not back. Obito shrugged and dressed himself in a pair of dark purple, nearly black, skinny jeans and pull-over hoody with Sora holding two Keyblades going into the door of light.  
He picked up his iPod and looked through his things until he found the iTunes card they had given him. He would finally be able to update his music, quality time would be spent in the library.

He popped his ear buds into his ears, cranking the music up louder than needed and began the walk to the library.

There were plenty of computers available so he chose one near the back. Unplugging his headphones from the iPod and into the computer, also connecting the iPod to the computer. He opened iTunes and logged in. After redeeming his code, he searched their expansive library of music.  
He didn't have tons of money to use, so he had to spend it wisely. He listened, weighed, and decided. In the end of about three hours, he had purchased Louna, Yellowcard, Simple Plan, Sum 41, Good Charlotte, Rise Against, The Birthday Massacre, and Worm Is Green.  
He synced his iPod and then began to browse the web as his iPod charged.

Eventually, he was simply staring at the screen, deep in thought.  
Being mute, much of it was choice. He hadn't wanted to share with the shrinks. He could talk. And..., well, he would. He would talk to Kakashi as soon as he saw him again. Now that he was out, he could speak as freely as he wished. Except in sessions..., wouldn't do to undo everything he'd done now would it? He smirked slightly, reaching over and ejecting his iPod before packing all the cords away and replugging in his headphones. He logged out of iTunes and turned off the computer. He stood and stretched as he contemplated what song to listen to.  
Try by Simple Plan.

He listened in silence, unmoving for a few seconds. He came back to himself and left the library. He wandered to the cafeteria, food sounded good. Hands in his pouch pocket, he walked and glanced around. It was spacious, it was about 1/3 full of students and maybe the occasional professor. No sign of Kakashi. He wondered where he was.  
He heard her before he saw her. Rin. She was laughing and smiling amongst a group of composed of girls and boys. His eyes narrowed, but he kept walking towards the line, intent on getting food, eating, and leaving before she could spot him. He got himself two chicken sandwiches, two chocolate milks, and a side of mashed potatoes. He hoped it was good. It smelled good.  
After paying with his ID, he found a far table near the doors and a trashcan. He unwrapped both sandwiches and combined them into one. With a grin, something akin to happiness, he picked it up and took a bite. It was even better than he remembered. Much tasty, very wow. He tried not to laugh and choke on his food when he thought that, attempting to calm himself. He finished his sandwich and was beginning on the mashed potatoes when it happened.

"So, they let you out already?"

He didn't need to look up to know who that cold voice belonged to.  
"Well _freak_?"

He kept his eyes on his mashed potatoes, carefully taking another bite.  
She slammed her hands on the table, the noise causing other students to look over. He ate another bite.  
"I'm talking to you, you emo little bitch!"

Her voice had risen, this time, a few students had migrated over to watch.  
He said nothing, ignoring her, focused on his food.

But then, there was another loud by nature, female voice.  
"Lay off him Rin! He doesn't need your shit. None of us do. Now, why don't you be a good girl and go fuck some guy?"

Obito nearly choked with laughter, he knew who that voice belonged to. The most outspoken female at the school. Anko Mitarashi. They had never been friends, but she was always at least nice to him.  
Rin huffed and then she was gone and someone sat semi-close to him. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the tan of a trench coat and knew it was Anko.

"Sorry about her man. She's such a bitch. It's only gotten worse since we graduated middle school."

Obito just nodded, his food finally gone.  
"You know..., Kakashi and I became friends after you went..., where you did. We became pretty close actually, not romantically of course. But..., your sudden appearance..., especially as his roommate, it's shaken him. I think he was finally getting over what happened and then for you to just show up like that that..."

Obito looked over at her then, his scar visible.  
"I didn't know he would be here or that we would be roommates. If he ever returns to our room, I want to talk to him. Really talk," Obito said all of this quietly, not even looking at her in the eyes.  
"Thank you...," he muttered before he got up and left the cafeteria.

Anko was left staring after him. Kakashi had said he was mute..., that was part of the reason she had come over. She sent a text to Kakashi and then left the cafeteria as well.

When he got back to the room he remembered.  
"Shit...," he muttered, and rooted further through his things.  
He found them, his meds, he popped one out and went to the vending machine down the hall. He purchased a Sprite and drank it and down the pill. He had almost forgotten...

With a shrug, he finished the soda and threw away the can. With any luck, Kakashi would be back soon. And they could do some serious talking. And Obito had some serious talking to do with those who had put him in a room with Kakashi.

He laid on the bed, opening his notebook to a new page and he began, once more, to write.

'Years have passed...,  
But nothing has changed.  
Sure, I am older,  
But on the inside,  
I am the same as I was all those years before.  
Did I expect different?  
I guess, on a level, I did.  
I hoped I wouldn't be this broken mess anymore.  
I hoped that I could be fixed.  
I am the same now,  
As I was then.  
Only one question remains,  
Will I ever change?'


	4. Unexpected

He laid on his bed, arms folded behind his head, thinking.  
'I really did think I would be different by now. Maybe I am, I mean they wouldn't have let me out if I wasn't at least somewhat better, right?' He thought harder about his time in the institution, about the psychiatrists, the group therapies.  
'Maybe..., maybe I am different, but not in the way I or they hoped. I don't feel like taking a knife to my throat again, at least, not right now. Maybe that's a sign of being better? I mean, years ago, when they first admitted me, that's all I was waiting for. One of them to slip up, leave a pen, pencil, paper clip, thumb tack, anything that was even vaguely sharp enough to make me bleed. I craved that feeling. Now..., I..., I guess I don't really. At least not consciously. I mean there is still that part of me that wants to die. And I guess that will always be there, but it's not like..., screaming at me like it did before. And sure, speaking to Kakashi, and I mean, really speaking to him does make my heart race close to like having an axiety attack, but I'm not outwardly freaking. It's like..., like I'm finally in control.'

A small smile graced his pale lips as he gazed at the ceiling. Maybe he had changed...  
Rolling over, he grabbed his notebook and began another poem.

'I am not as I was,  
I am different,  
Not in the way I hoped,  
Not in the way they hoped,  
But still,  
I have become someone new,  
I only must ask if this person really who I wish to be.'

He stared at the paper blankly for a few minutes. Why was it always so strangely true? Everything he wrote. Now, if he could only write something about Kakashi. For himself. So that he could understand how he really felt about him, now that they had met again. He glanced towards the door, still shut, he glanced at his phone, nothing from anyone. With a shrug, he flipped to another page, more writing to do.

'Once, he was all I desired to have and be.  
Minus the cold,  
I wanted friends.  
Even one,  
While he left us all in the dust,  
I the only that came close but never registered.  
Until that day,  
I didn't even think he knew I existed.  
From that day, he made me his business.  
He was the one who "saved" me.  
I was angry,  
So angry...  
It wasn't until later I realized what a friend he'd been.  
In my dying moments,  
or rather what should have been them,  
I saw only him.  
How he followed me doggedly,  
How he listened to me,  
How he tried to figure me out.  
It was then I realized how true my words to him in my letter were.  
It was then I knew for sure.  
I loved him.  
I still do not know how he feels about me,  
even after these years apart,  
I know.  
I love him still.'

He sighed, rereading his words. It all made so much sense. He really did love Hatake Kakashi.  
Telescope by Yellowcard began to play in his ears. He closed his eyes, stretching out on his bed, his stomach exposed. He thought nothing of it, his stomach showing, boxers visible slightly above his jeans. Listening to the song, floating so gently on Ryan Key's voice, he was relaxed, and was possibly on his way to a nap when he heard a loud female voice.  
"Damn Kakashi, if I'd known you were gonna have such a great view when you walked in I woulda brought my camera."

Kakashi was likely glaring at Anko, and Obito merely opened his eyes, looking down at them.  
"Hi guys," he smiled.

Kakashi's mouth fell open and he stared at Obito. Anko glanced at her best friend then Obito.  
"Well, let's just say be glad I'm a lesbian Obito, otherwse, I'd be all over that," she guestered to him then with a grin, left them, closing the door behind her.

"So..., you can speak...," he said this quietly, as if, he was afraid Obito would suddenly clam up again.

"Yes..., I can. To the right people at least."  
Obito finally moved, sitting up, his hoody falling down to cover him properly.

Kakashi had a dark look on his face, not that Obito paid it any attention, the floor seeming suddenly very interesting.

"Why then, did you not speak before to me?"

"I-I was just as shocked as you were that I was your roommate. It all..., it all didn't seem real. I'd been in that place for so many years..., I really never thought they'd let me out," he confessed, still not daring a look at Kakashi.

Kakashi stared at him hard.  
"I thought you hated me. I hated myself. I thought if I ever saw you again, you would kill me. Sometimes, I wanted to kill myself."

Obito slowly looked up at Kakashi, his mouth hanging open.  
Then Kakashi had Obito by the front of his hoody, straddling Obito's legs, which were over the side of the bed.

"You! You made me feel that way! You were the reason for me feeling so fucking terrible! All I wanted to do was help you! The closest thing I had to a friend!"  
Obito shrank away, and Kakashi just leaned closer, their eyes boring into each other. But then, something Obito did not expect under any circumstance, happened. Kakashi was kissing him, it was through his mask but he was kissing him so _hard_. Obito's back was pressed into the wall behind him, Kakashi was now straddling his lower body, and the mask had been tugged down, allowing Obito to kiss Kakashi fully on the lips. Kakashi even bit Obito's lower lip, but he did it too hard, which Obito thought was purposeful, it bled and hurt, but Kakashi still kissed him, his hands on Obito's chest, holding him against the wall.  
When Kakashi finally came away, he was breathing hard and still, glaring at Obito.

Obito on the other hand, was breathless and flushed, gazing at Kakashi with a question in his eyes. Kakashi's mask was back in place and he left the room without another word. Obito sat there, somewhat dazed. He wasn't sure what any of it meant.  
'Kakashi...'


	5. Fleeting Happiness

Kakashi didn't return to their room that night. It worried him, but he figured he was staying with someone.  
Obito laid in his bed, thinking. As much as things had changed, they were the same. He had glimpsed happiness, true... real..., lasting happiness. Despite whatever problems they would have to face, Kakashi was the one who made him feel that way.  
But then..., it had come back. All of it. It swamped him. He smothered him in it's black depths, dragging him under, back to that bottomless pit of despair. He felt so wretched, all he wanted to do was find a knife of some kind and make just a little cut, bleed out some of the pain... Nothing had really happened to spark this even. Kakashi's sudden leaving, sure, but he had done that at least twice now. Nothing shocking really. This darkness though, it was familiar, it welcomed him back into its fold.  
As he laid there, he felt himself slipping away. Slipping back into the dark of what would never be. Of what he couldn't be. Of every wrong he had ever dared make. He was drowning in the dark, losing his will to fight it, because afterall, wasn't it right? Wasn't he worthless and doomed to repeat all his past mistakes? The darkness weighed on him, heavily.  
Everything was familar here... The darkness. The bleakness. The hopelessness of it all. How easy it would be to just give in. The scar on his throat was like a pack of directions. Just take a knife and drive it home. Kakashi wasn't there, and who knew when he would be back? He wouldn't save him twice..., would he? And even if he did, chances were, they'd just lock him up for good this time...  
There was just so much sadness, so much rage. He was just so tired. What difference would it make if he were here or not? Nothing would change. The world had gone on without him while he was locked up. So dying now, nothing would change. Absently, he felt his scar. So many years..., but deep down, he still felt the same way. He could hide and pretend..., but nothing had really changed because nothing ever would. He would always want death, he would always be sad. It was still the same. No one and nothing could change the way he really felt.  
It could be buried, sure, but eventually, it would erode. So what best to do, than end it now?

It felt as though he was floating, he could see himself laying on the bed far below. He was adrift in a sea of overwhelming sadness. It felt as though he was drowning but he didn't care that much. For if he drowned, he wouldn't feel anything else. He wouldn't be alive any longer to have to feel. He could do as he wished.  
He had gotten out, but for what purpose? Was it this? Death? Or did he actually want to get out?

Slowly, it came to him.  
He had wanted to get out. Not for himself, but for Kakashi. For that boy, now a man, that had captured his heart. That was really all he had. All he wanted to have. He had tried and fought so hard, so that he could try to have a life with him. No other reason or thing, just him. But he was so tired of fighting it. So tired.

It was obvious that Kakashi still felt something for him, even if he was unsure of what that feeling was or what it meant. Obito was sure Kakashi felt something for him. All he had to do..., was pull himself out of this and wait for Kakashi. He had to. No matter that he was so empty that nothing held his interest, he had to try, didn't he? For Kakashi.  
Trying though..., maybe it was too much to ask? A small part of him wanted to..., but the bigger part just wanted to lie down and wait for it all to end. He was just so tired. Always tired. No matter how much rest he got, no matter how much he slept or relaxed, he was always tired. It wasn't a physical tiredness, it was a bone-weary exhaustion. It never went away completely, nor would it. It could be managed, but sometimes..., sometimes it did get the better of people. He had been fighting for years already. He was tired of fighting.

Gazing at the closed door, he wondered again, what it would be like to die. He almost had that one time..., he had been close, he knew it. If it weren't for Kakashi, he would have died. As he had wanted.  
Had Kakashi really saved him only for him to die a few years later?

He wanted Kakashi though. In some part of him..., he had wanted Kakashi to save him. Maybe not in the way it had happened, but he had wanted him to regardless. Now though it seemed as though he needed to save Kakashi. It was his fault honestly, he needed to save him, just like Kakashi had needed to save him. They had both needed saving before and Kakashi had saved Obito but Obito hadn't saved Kakashi completely. It was his turn, but first, he had to stave off the darkness and save the man who had saved him.  
He forced himself to get up and shower. Feeling much better after doing so, he dressed in dark jeans and his black and orange flannel. He wasn't sure where Kakashi would be. Maybe with Anko? He just didn't know how to get to her room.

"Damn," he muttered, looking around.

Shrugging, he went to the library, hoping Kakashi might show up there or else he'd see him leaving somewhere. He sat at a table near the entrance, to watch for him. So far, he saw no one else.  
He laid his upper half atop the table with a sigh. A great plan, but all great plans had their drawbacks...


	6. Live Fast, Die Young

Despite his looking for Kakashi, it was numerous days before he saw him again. It was as if, wherever Obito was, Kakashi made a point not to be. Between his worry of Kakashi, his classes, and his slowly mounting depression, Obito lost track of a few things.  
For instance, two consecutive weeks of therapy were cancelled due to conflicts, mid-terms were fast approaching, and his medication had run out three weeks prior. He couldn't get his prescription filled himself, the doctor had to be consulted and write a new one or okay the refill. Without seeing his counselor though, he could not schedule to see the doctor.  
He didn't notice any differences right away. Slowly though, things started to change for him. Kakashi wasn't around, otherwise he likely would have noticed. Anko, when she did see him, seemed to preoccupied to notice either. However, someone did notice, just not the one that should have...

Rin. She saw his decline, it made her smile, a sadistic smile. She would have new ways to torment that faggot emo freak.

It happened slowly, truly. He was slipping backwards. Back to where he'd been. He ceased talking, he ceased eating more than once a day, he slept more than ever before, drinking more monsters than he knew was healthy. It felt so right though... All of it... Like an old friend, it was all so familiar.  
He sat alone, in the room he shared with Kakashi, his notebook upon his legs as he sat in his bed. The words came in a rush as he put pencil to paper.

'It wears off,

True thought seeps through,  
The feelings rush in each clamoring to be heard.  
The loudest of them all,  
The one it sought to supress.  
There is power here,  
It can be felt,  
Then why should one go back to how it was?  
The rawness of that which has been reawakened is so...  
Good...  
How can one go back to the last years?  
Back to the dullness,  
Back to the listless?  
The reality is back,  
Harsh as ever,  
but so welcome.  
So much better than the dullness,  
More unpredictable,  
More... real.  
Something was lost,  
Something else was gained.  
Can the two ever coexist in this plane?'

He held his pencil in one hand, the other picking up a skinny can of monster, a Nitrous Super Dry, his favorite flavor. He took a few sips before setting it back down.  
The black-haired goggled male had noticed the changes, it..., felt good. It honestly let him know that he was still alive. For so long..., he had felt so lost without the feelings. It was because of the medication. It held everything back. He understood why, but that also made him feel empty. He was conflicted. Taking his medication was the key to him not falling back into depression once more, Even if that were true..., how was he supposed to go back to that listless existance now that he had experienced reality again? Everything was so..., raw, real. He hadn't realized how much he missed it, feeling alive like this. Even monsters could only do so much to return him to this state of reality. They made things sharper, yes, but not this sharp, not the sharp of being without his medicine.  
Though it was darker without his medicine, he wondered what it would be like to be forever without it. It had taken years from him, maybe it had helped him, but it had also dulled him.  
He did want to be better, but what if this darkness was an integral part of him? What if it was what made him, him? Certainitly it made writing easier, gave him things to write about with such clarity and beauty... Was he..., better? Did understanding these things and wanting this change mean he had beaten it? Or was that just it fooling him into thinking he was better and he would stop his medication and then everything would spiral out of control?  
He shook his head, unsure, unfocused, and so he flipped to a new page and began to write once more.

'That familar darkness settles again,

Clouding everything,

So cold,

Yet so welcoming.

Moreso than anything else.

A choice before,

Which way though?

So simple a question,

but so difficult an answer.

Many paths before,

which however, is the right?

To Darkness or Light?

Fraught with pain

or

Besieged by insanity?

As said before,

not knowing is the worst type of pain.'

He reread his words, a thoughtful expression on his face. Which would be better? He honestly did not know. He did want to be better but he also wanted to feel alive. Something he had not felt for years...  
With a soft sigh, he closed the notebook, slid it beneath his bed with the pencil atop it, and drank the rest of his monster before laying down and rolling over to face the wall. Despite having just drank one of the most powerful energy drinks he had ever discovered, he was tired. He removed his goggles, setting them on the shelf beside his bed. It was only around eight or nine at night, but he slept until the next afternoon.  
He woke up still sleepy, his eyes heavy. He felt around on the ground for his phone, eventually finding it and making the screen light up. He stared at it until it went dark, making it light again, finally reading and registering the numbers. He groaned softly, but set the phone back dowon, rubbing his eyes. He stretched as he laid there before getting up and grabbing clothes for the day and going to shower. Kakashi was no where to be seen, of course, though his bed was messed up, indicating he had probably slept there last night.  
When he emerged from the shower, hair dripped wet, he was slightly more awake, better than he had been. He dressed in black boxers, black baggy jeans, and a long sleeved neon orange shirt, with thumb-holes in the sleeves. he rubbed the towel on his hair for a few more seconds, attempting to get it to at least stop dripping. He hung his towel upon the rack and went in search of his goggles, which were, where he left them. He put them on and then found his socks and shoes. Fully dressed, he found his other Super Dry and made his way to the cafeteria for a late breakfast, drinking his monster as he walked.

He didn't notice much as he went straight to the line that had his favorite chicken sandwiches, he got two of them, mashed potatoes, green beans, and two cartons of milk. The cafeteria worker smiled at him, shaking her head at his love of the chicken, he merely offered her a friendly grin after paying and going to his usual corner of the cafeteria. As far from others as he could get, near one of the large windows too. Making it colder and discouraging others from coming too close, just how he liked it. He ate the vegetables first, savoring the thought of the chickens.  
He really did have an unhealthy obsession with them...  
As he was finishing his food, snippets of conversation reached his ears.

"Have you seen him?"

"He's so..., dark."

"I know right? It's like he's never heard of the sun!"

"Did you see his... scar?"

"He hasn't changed at all since middle school."

"Those orange goggles..."

"Why does he dress like that?"

"Does he want people to notice his scar?"

"He's such a freak."

"I heard he's gay."

"Does he have like, a boyfriend?"

"I heard the guy he likes is straight. And that's why he tried to kill himself."

"Really?"

"Oh my god."

"Damn..."

"Holy shit..."

"Poor dude."

"Poor? Pfft, he did it to himself."

He recognized one voice of them all. There were various people, male and female. But one stood out, the one that had more than likely started it all.  
Rin.  
A ball formed in his stomach, a knot of anger. Fury pulsed through him. His knuckles turned whiter than they were already as he sat, clenching his fists, the rest of his second sandwich lying uneaten. It would be so easy to shut her up. For good. He sat there, struggling to calm himself. He wanted to, to shut her up. It would make him feel quite good.  
But what did it matter what she thought of him? What any of them did? If they didn't take the time to really get to know him, instead, listening to rumors spread by a lying slut..., he didn't need those people anyway.  
Regardless, he had an idea.

He finished his sandwich, otherwise pretending he had heard nothing. His monster was only half empty when he finished. He got up to throw away his tray, carrying his monster, happening to just walk by Rin and her gaggle of people.

Casually he said, "I'm sorry Rin, I don't mean to get more dick than you. It just, kinda, y'know, happens. Obviously, I'm a better lover than you, I mean, at least I make sure we both wear condoms."

He didn't stick around to find out what happened after that, but he knew he had more than touched a nerve. He heard snickers, vaguely her yelling, and at least one or two people trying to calm her down. He laughed hollowly, it was great to mess with her that way, even if he had never had sex, it was still great to tease her that way.  
Despite how great it felt, he was still left feeling unsure about what to do about his situation. Sure, he had made light of a bad situation, but how long could he keep this up and not succumb? Was he truly better or did he need his medication? Better yet, did he even want to take it anymore? Or did he want to "live fast and die young"?


	7. Come Whatever May

He ended up getting his medication refilled and began taking it once more. The dullness seeped back into his life. He knew he was better for it, he felt no more bursts of anger, no more rash depression.  
He knew it was better this way, but he didn't like it. If he really sat and thought about things, he still desired death above all. There were things in his life that made him happy, but it was always a fleeting type of happiness. He knew, deep within himself, that nothing could ever make him happy, not in the way one was supposed to be happy.  
Even taking his medication, going to classes and therapy sessions, Obito could feel himself growing colder. The things that once excited him or brought him joy, no longer did. He simply, couldn't be bothered. He was really just going through the motions.

Anko noticed the changes, she could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice. She knew he and Kakashi hadn't spoken in quite a long time. Kakashi had largely been hanging out with her, spending as little time in their shared room as he possibly could. Kakashi had told her things about Obito and his own life that made her realize the two of them needed eachother.  
She knew they were both hurting and Kakashi wasn't the best at opening up. She would make him talk to his roommate though, the rest would be up to the two of them.

Obito returned to his and Kakashi's room after a long afternoon of class. He dropped his messenger bag full of books upon the floor at the end of his bed before wandering into the bathroom. He took his goggles off and splashed some water on his face then replaced his goggles. He gazed at himself in the mirror, pale skin, pitch dark hair, orange goggles, the jagged scar on his throat, the black and orange long sleeved flannel shirt covering his torso.  
The scar reminded him of how he had failed all those years ago. He had come so close..., only to be saved. And for what?  
His gaze fell to rest on the sink. Glaring at it, as if it was the sink's fault for his failure and his unlikely savior.  
He had wanted to be saved..., yes..., not in that way, but he had wanted it. He hadn't meant for it to go as it did, the repercussions of his actions...  
No one was supposed to know..., much less get hurt. It was just supposed to be him. He was supposed to have died that day.

His head raised up slowly, his reflection glared back at him.  
Kakashi Hatake.  
One friend, one boy, one man...  
That was all it took. That was the reason he had clung to life afterwards... To see him again, ask him why. For all nothing had changed, Obito knew his life would be intertwined with Kakashi's after that day.  
He took a deep, steadying breath. Whatever would be, he needed to talk to Kakashi. Get everything out in the open.

He exited the bathroom, somewhat surprised to see Kakashi sitting on his bed.

"We need to talk," they said at almost the same time.

Obito guestered for him to go first.  
"I have never felt before what I feel with you. I never had a friend before I met you. I never even felt before you."

Obito stood silently, looking down.

"You were the one person who did not hate me, and I, for some reason, did not hate you either. I grew to care about you. And then..., when you did what you did..., I was shattered. You wouldn't open up to me and I had no idea that's what I wanted you to do. When I found you and your note..., I went into Shock. You probably don't know, but for about a year..., I cut myself too. I was going to therapy for a year and half. I didn't know what to do. I was lost after I had found a friend. According to your note, you felt so much more than friendship for me. For years, I was confused about myself. I knew I liked you, but I didn't know what the hell that meant. I hated myself for saving you, I hated myself for possibly even loving you."

Kakashi had stood and was now directly in front of him.

"I wanted to die. I still do. I didn't mean for us to become anything. I knew I was falling for you, but at the same time, I still knew death was my ultimate goal. I didn't want to put you through the torment of trying to love me while I still felt as I do. I knew it would be hard on you, and I wanted to spare you that pain."

"Wouldn't that have been better than this?"

"I don't know. Because I still do love you, Kakashi. I never stopped. But death..., death is still foremost in my thoughts. I am never truly happy. Death is this ever-present thing. Always," Obito said softly.

Kakashi looked away for a moment before looking back at his long time friend.  
"Then let me at least try. Let me..., let me at least be with you while you still walk. Give me that, at least."

"I don't want to hurt you though..."

"We've both been hurting..., maybe now, together, we can begin to heal?" Kakashi asked, looking up into Obito's goggled eyes.

Gently, giving him plenty of time to stop him, Obito tugged Kakashi's mask down and gave him a soft kiss.  
"So be it."

Kakashi smiled, offering him another kiss before his mask was replaced.

They simply sat together that night, enjoying each other's presence.  
Sitting together on Kakashi's bed, Kakashi was first to nod off, leaving Obito sitting there, awake.

He dug his phone out of his pocket and typed a poem in the memo app.

'This is what was desired,  
on a level.  
But on another,  
Death is still desired.  
Love or Death?  
It is unknown which will prevail.  
A thin line,  
How long before the inevitable fall?'

With a sigh, he returned his phone to his pocket and snuggled down into Kakashi, holding his upper half close to his own. Whatever lay before them, they would face together. Come whatever may.


End file.
